By Christine Akiteng Most people who are divorced or were in a long term relationship will understand what I am talking about. Immediately after the break up, things look dreary and life is sort of a drug. Although it was your decision (or not) to end things, you are angry about the breakup, angry for two reasons. First you are angry for wasting a big chunk of your life on what you later realized was a lie. Second you are angry that now you have to start all over again, even though you knew your relationship wasnt going at least it was a relationship of sorts. As time goes on, you begin to feel that there is actually a life after a break up. Deep inside you know its going to be hard to trust another human being but you decide that you are going to move past the hurt, anger, betrayal and disillusionment of all that wasted time. You tell yourself, all that is in the past. You want to make friends with new faces. You want to find love in the unusual places. You want romance. You want a deep connection where you finish of each others sentences. And you want sex, lots of incredible sex. You want the real thing! You tell your friends, relatives and co-workers and anyone who cares to listen that you are dating again. You learned from your mistakes and this time its going to be different, better. First you try the traditional approaches or real life dating. But it seems the men and women say one thing and yet do something completely different. They say personality/character is far more important than looks, money and status but reject you because you dont look like their type, dont have enough money or arent a TV personality. You find that many singles are actually superficial and spiteful, indecisive and fickle, hyper-aggressive and impatient. Everyone is trying to screw everyone else. So you try online chatting but too many men and women "window shopping" online and unwilling to consider any but the prettiest faces and sexiest bods. Sometimes you find yourself forced to lie or face an empty mailbox every day. And even if you mange to chat long enough to meet in person, theyll again reject you on the same grounds as in traditional dating (looks over personality and character). You try speed dating, group activities and other match-making services, but the degree of communication and connection is relatively shallow. The men and women have no particular interest in either depth or longevity of contacts with others. And the so-called books on dating and relationships are equally shallow. They dont connect with what you want and desire real exciting, passionate fulfilling love. Date after date, your enthusiasm begins to wane and dread builds. You feel you are not as enthusiastic as you were in the first few months. You keep giving yourself one more chance to get things right. If nothing works, I am going to live a lifetime of celibacy. Getting angry, complaining and blaming isnt going to get you the love you seek. In fact such an attitude shows in a body that distinctively lacks fluid movement; has poor coordination and posture and in an utterly monotonous tone of voice with little variation in pitch or pace, a whining style of speaking or a kind of mournful or artificial strain of voice. Even if what we are saying is truly fascinating or exceptionally amusing your frustration leaks through.
Your frustration with yourself and with others can program itself into your mind and body so deeply that you don't even realize the effects that its having on you and how you date. An example is, you go to a bar or a singles dance and your expectation is that an attractive man or woman there will ask you for a dance. You are crushed when no one asks you to dance all evening and your whole outlook about love, the opposite sex, relationships, life and even about your desirability is affected, not by what happened at the dance, but by your own frustration with everything else. The first thing you need to do is completely GET OVER YOUR PAST. You cannot simultaneously hold on to the past and move forward. Then you have to CLEAN UP you "expectations and demands hard drive. Your "expectations and demands" programming says that your marriage should have lasted for ever. It did not meet those "expectations and demands" so you are unhappy that not only are you single again but your ex moved on - what an ungrateful... whatever! You feel used and abandoned. You're also probably angry because income that used to support one household must now support two households. You expected your ex if they were leaving to at least leave using a certain "right" procedure and they did not. You expected him or her to go through certain expectations and demands of the way you believe they should have done it and they did not. So you are very disappointed by their insensitivity to your feelings and angry at their lack of common sense, depth or "class". Your whole outlook about love, the opposite sex, relationships, life and even about your desirability is all negative, frustrated, discouraged etc. The harder you cling, the more you avoid growing into the person youre meant to become. The second thing you need to do is CHANGE HOW YOU DATE AND RELATE. Yes, there may be people who'll not be attracted to you because of your age, weight, height, income or just because you are you. Sure, there are some men and women who are only interested in these things. But MOST are far more interested in your sense of yourself and how you project what you feel inside than any of those other things. Ask yourself: What are you doing to increase your chances of dating someone interested in a deep connection? Have you done enough to prepared yourself to be the kind of partner that person will want (more loving, more expressive, more attentive, more committed, more caring, more empathetic, more passionate in and out of the bedroom. etc)? Do you know how that kind of person would want to be approached? What kind of things would he/she find attractive in a woman/man? What things make him/her feel loved and cared for? What do you have within yourself to make him/her feel loved and cared for? Where would you meet this kind of person? What would he/she be doing...say on a week night or weekend? Honesty and humanness is the hardest thing to find and maintain in a world as superficial as ours, but you are NOT a "victim of a superficial culture because you have the POWER to change what happens in your life. Thousands of singles "give up" and just totally withdraw from the active dating world, literally hide in a cave and the rest of their life just lick their emotional wounds. What a needless waste of a life time. Finding someone you can connect with human-to-human, soul-to-soul, man-to-woman is the most important job you will ever have. Sharing the richness of your life with that someone is the most important thing youll ever do in your entire life. Start on the path immediately. Truth is, the longer you talk about it, think about it, complain about it and stress yourself over it, the less likely you are to ever do it. Minutes will drag on like days and you will get used to being broken, frustrated and hopeless. And you will begin to more and more dread taking action to turn things around. You can continue to beat your brains out, (which is what you have been doing) OR you can decide to find that tiny seed buried deep inside the fiber of your being that shouts forth that you will not be broken, you will not succumb My website has lots more advice on the ingenuity of creating the "click" with the opposite sex. Once you can identify what is about you that promises enjoyment, excitement, arousal and nurturance or some reward related to personal expansion, youll have found the secret of creating a connection that will make both of you feel loved, wanted, desired and fulfilled. About the Author: Christine Akiteng, Sexual Confidence/Dating Coach and author of ebook: The Art Of Seducing Out Of Fullness is internationally renowned for her UNIQUE and genuinely insightful outlook to what love is really about, what is there to learn about who we really are and what we can expect from our sexual relations. Her very powerful and practical "Fullness Approach" to dating and relationships and strong emphasis on "you don't need to attract many men/Women, just the RIGHT ONE" has helped many single men and women develop greater capacity to attract the RIGHT man or woman and create fulfilling relationships... Christine's websites: http://www.torontosnumber1datedoctor.com and http://www.theartofseducingoutoffullness.com Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Christine_Akiteng http://EzineArticles.com/?What-You-Can-Do-To-Create-A-Deep-Connection-In-A-World-Full-Of-Superficial-Women-and-Superficial-Men&id=320723 clearing bankruptcy from your credit report
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